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Off the Page: Notebooks of an Occasional Optimist (A Rededication)

For almost twenty years this space has been called “Planet of the Blind”—a nod to my first memoir and, for a long time, an accurate description of its subjects: blindness, accessibility, the struggles of opposing ableism. That work isn’t done — it never will be — but the blog has quietly outlived its name. Over the years I’ve used this space to write about disability rights, but also about history, horror films, wordplay, literary biography, and the jottings of other writers. Its time for the title to reflect the writing.

So: welcome to “Off the Page”

I’ve always been drawn to the notebook as a form. Years ago I co-edited (with poets David Weiss and Deborah Tall)  “The Poet’s Notebook” for W.W. Norton, a collection of the fast jottings, marginalia, and half-formed thoughts that poets keep before a poem exists. There’s something clarifying about the notebook— unpolished, occasional, closer to thinking out loud than to argument. This blog has always worked that way too, even when I didn’t say so. A post about accommodation law sits next to a post about Bela Lugosi which in turn sits next to a fragment from an actual notebook. That miscellany was never a flaw. It was the point.

As for “occasional optimist” — I chose the phrase carefully. More than thirty years of working on accessibility at universities, watching the gap between institutional assurance and grassroots reality, teaches you not to be naive. Optimism, for me, isn’t a temperament so much as a discipline — something closer to what Gramsci meant by pessimism of the intellect, optimism of the will. I don’t expect things to go well. I do the work anyway, and every so often — reading a poem, watching a student’s reading habits change, standing at a lectern in a room full of people who came out for disability poetry on a summer night in Washington — I catch myself feeling something like hope. Occasional is the right word. Earned, not constant.

So this is still the same notebook it always was: kept in the old commonplace tradition of writing things down because they mattered enough, that day, to write down. The title’s new. The habit of attention behind it isn’t.

Thank you for reading, then and now.

— Stephen Kuusisto

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Thank You Jeffrey Brown of PBS News Hour

Stephen Kuusisto to appear on PBS News Hour
Image: Logo of PBS News Hour

Tonight the PBS NewsHour will air a segment about my new book Have Dog, Will TravelThe piece features an interview with Jeffrey Brown whose reporting on literature and poetry is well known to book lovers across the nation. Jeffrey is also a poet whose first collection The News is available from Copper Canyon Press. In our time together we talked about poetry, civil rights, disability culture, dogs for the blind, the field of disability studies, and the power of literature to bring people together around social justice movements. And yes, there’s a lovely dog, Caitlyn, a sweetie pie yellow Labrador from Guiding Eyes for the Blind.

The program airs locally, in Syracuse at 7 PM. Check your local listings.

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Stephen Kuusisto and HarleyABOUT: Stephen Kuusisto is the author of the memoirs Have Dog, Will Travel; Planet of the Blind (a New York Times “Notable Book of the Year”); and Eavesdropping: A Memoir of Blindness and Listening and of the poetry collections Only Bread, Only Light and Letters to Borges. A graduate of the Iowa Writer’s Workshop and a Fulbright Scholar, he has taught at the University of Iowa, Hobart and William Smith Colleges, and Ohio State University. He currently teaches at Syracuse University where he holds a University Professorship in Disability Studies. He is a frequent speaker in the US and abroad. His website is StephenKuusisto.com.

Have Dog, Will Travel: A Poet’s Journey is now available:
Amazon
Prairie Lights
Grammercy Books
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound.org

Have Dog, Will Travel by Stephen Kuusisto

(Photo picturing the cover of Stephen Kuusisto’s new memoir “Have Dog, Will Travel” along with his former guide dogs Nira (top) and Corky, bottom.) Bottom photo by Marion Ettlinger 

How I met my Significant Other

Poets say when we’re in love we love everything—wine tastes better, the very green of trees is luscious. And they’re right. But how we get to joy is not immediate, it’s a product of confidence.  By means of Corky I was, without fully knowing it, entering the gateway of love. I wasn’t just in love with my dog or the freedom she brought, I loved becoming someone. Like swimming through streams of sunlight underwater, I found I was turning sequentially brighter. In turn I was more open to others. In the Middle Ages they called this “ardor” and it meant being in love but also to be broadly loving. 

I met Connie because of Roscoe, her black Labrador, and I met Roscoe because of Corky my guide dog, and there’s more to it than this, for I followed my dog up a flight of stairs just to see what it was she wanted. Just a little ardor. And up those stairs where the admissions office of the guide dog school was located was a black dog, a hilarious dog, some dogs are genuinely funnier than others and some are smart about it, and Roscoe was a Labrador comedian. And like all comics he was a drop out. He’d flunked out of guide dog school while still a pup. He’d been bred to be a working dog, but he ran off at the sound of shaken coins in a can. He was sound shy but made up for it with a remarkable fun index. He bounced at the sight of Corky and whirled and said, “I’m here, I’m here!” He was tall, loose jointed, his big tongue out, tail wagging, and Corky jumped as if a door had opened right before her. 

That’s how it is when you fall it love—dogs know it without waffling. Corky was in love and since deep things in life happen against expectation soon I was in love. 

I was forty and entering an emerging love story written by Labradors for I met Connie, former guide dog trainer, who ran the admissions office, who had one of the loveliest voices I’d ever heard, who I’d learn by and by was very beautiful—for I require scientific closeness to see anything, perhaps one may say indecently close, or better yet, lovingly near, but I wasn’t there yet—but yes she had a voice and a love of dogs and curiosity about both animals and people, and that’s not ipso facto, not customary though we wish it would be, for it’s an ancient sensibility, and soon Connie and I and Roscoe and Corky were taking walks.  

I wondered how one might tell this tale. 

Dear X:

I could be falling in love with my dog’s best friend-dog’s owner. I’m middle aged and holding hands with Connie. I’m laughing. I tell her about bird calls. Tell her grackles sound like reeds; the killdeer says kill deer unless its in love, then it says deer deer; I point out the pine thrush who never has a cruel thing to say, my favorite…I’ve fallen in love with my dog’s best friend-dog’s owner…we walk on a long, abandoned rail line. The dogs say “this this this” and run the curves of a tree line; the dogs say we’ve all come perfectly together…

Connie points out that the Killdeer walks sometimes. I’m rich with joys and stammering. The sun comes out from behind the clouds. I’m in love. I tell Connie about the red winged blackbirds. My dog’s dog friend’s owner is beautiful.  Like Corky, I know allure. 

 

**

Yes red was an important color. So was morning blue. We walked beside a lake and I don’t remember the name of it now, but we were laughing like hell. Laughing just because one can do it. Because I told Connie she looked like a Phrygian goddess and then was forced to admit all women look like goddesses when you’re blind and so what? I threw the word ophtho-centrism at her for sighted people think they own the world and who’s to say, really, that not everyone looks like Ingrid Bergman? Or the Phrygian goddess of wheat? Yes we laughed. We agreed: if everyone looks good there’s no need for praise. What a relief! And then no need for heroes! No more basketball stars! Come to sunny Phrygia baby! Give away your eyeball envy! Laugh more. Run in circles like Roscoe who has a five foot long stick in his mouth, it’s more than a stick it’s a branch, and he knows it’s the most important thing in the world, a birch limb tasting of yeast and don’t you wish you had one? And you should talk less, really, and just chase me. 

And I didn’t know much. Not just about love but call it entrance. I was still coming into the world in a late rebirth having decided to cross streets, visit cities, kick up dust the way the sighted do—a phrase I’d stolen from a national advocacy agency which was always saying the blind could do customary things, read newspapers, for instance, “just like visual people do” and now I was halfway into the world making my forays into Manhattan or a hundred other precincts just like the sighted do, and yet, hell, I didn’t know much because I had no idea how to be in love. Did you enter it with a triumphal processional march as in Verdi’s “Aida” or was it just an earnest little tune picked out on a homely banjo? Was there a song at all? Did you make up your mind to be in love?  

No you didn’t. You didn’t make up your mind at all. Not if the dogs were right. 

**

As a teen I’d imagined no love was going to be my lot. Not in that arid way of teens, none of that Holden Caulfield stuff—I simply knew I was defective. The non-defective people held parties, danced, made plans. Space opened for them. They didn’t have to question it. Every place was theirs and all that American materiality was theirs—their cars with convertible tops; trips to the beach. That’s how it felt anyway. The no love narrative was really stupid. It was no better than thinking the man in the moon was an arthritic beggar who collects sticks on Sundays—a mythology people long believed—yes, stupid, but if you live a provincial life you can be convinced of anything. 

Sudden love is to be unconvinced. And the irony, the loveliest of ironies, the most statuesque irony of them all is that I got there by walking, thrilling to the moments, trusting open air, laughing in public, walking Brooklyn Bridge with a guide dog, taking my dog to the opera; at intermission a woman said: “Who’s your dog’s favorite composer?” And I said, “Puccini of course.” And I was truly “out” and spaces were mine and I felt like Ariel released from her tree; Ariel rubbing her back on clouds then jumping down to put her toes in the river. Laughing in public. Love walking laughter and a bearable cloud of ardor in your hair.  

How long can you go on saying you don’t know shit about love? Give it away. just as dogs give things away throughout the day, even in minutes. They know nothing of Christian’s bundle; Freud’s Soma; Oh for Chris-sake let’s run over here. Let’s together put our noses in this freshet of minty leaves.  

**

We were in love fast Connie and I, and I believe it was Roscoe and Corky’s doing and I’ll never not believe this. It wasn’t that we took a chance. We didn’t have to. We knew we could trust our dogs. Not because it made a good story. But because there it was, we all fit. 

It got funny. How exact that fit really was. With Connie came Tara, age 8 and Ross, 6. What’s to say about laughter? That it’s contagious, racy, a find, excellent with songs. I sang them Pete Seeger’s song, “All Around the Kitchen” a topsy dance number and we hurtled around Connie’s house shouting cocka-doodle-doo—which the dogs approved of as crockery rattled on shelves.  

How busy love is. A house may be large or small, rooms, sunbeams—wide or narrow—how little it matters. We lay on the floor, Tara, Ross, Connie, and I, and Roscoe and Corky took up the business of washing faces as their ropy tails knocked knickknacks off tables and summer wind billowed curtains.   

  

 Excerpted from Have Dog, Will Travel: A Poet’s Journey 

New in Disability Poetry: A Growing Shelf

Nine Mile Press’s Propel Disability Poetry Series continues to grow, and I wanted to give it a more visible home on this blog. If you look in the sidebar, you’ll now find “New in Disability Poetry” — a running list of books written by disabled poets, published and edited under the principle of “nothing about us without us.”

Right now that shelf includes Sanni Purhonen’s If Only I’d Turn Into Someone Else, winner of the 2026 Propel Poetry Prize; Kenny Fries’s Returns: Poems Selected and New; Lisa M. Dougherty’s The Dead Tree Garden; Nathan Spoon’s The Importance of Being Feeble-Minded; Anne Kaier’s How Can I Say It Was Not Enough?; Daniel Simpson’s Inside the Invisible; and Tito Mukhopadhyay’s Creating the Faces and Other Poems.

Each cover links directly to where you can learn more or order a copy. I’ll keep adding to it as new titles come out — check back, or just glance at the sidebar next time you’re here.

If you’re reading on your phone, the sidebar usually appears below this post rather than beside it.

Creative Writing Programs and Disability

I like to think things are getting better than they were in my day as a graduate student in writing at the University of Iowa when being a disabled student was humiliating, to say the least. I won’t delve into my miseries butI do believe, cautiously that improvement is on the way.

For one thing there are first rate writers identifying as disabled who are now teaching. And for another thing there’s an emergent awareness that disability is a meaningful part of thinking about creativity.

I want to point readers to a thoughtful and timely book:”Divergent Writers: Disability, Illness, Neurodivergence, and Ableism in Creative Writing” Edited by Christie Collins and Saul Lemerond.

I have been relishing both the book and its hopeful declarations.

At Iowa I was told that if I took longer to read texts I shouldn’t be in graduate school. When I complained I received a collective stink-eye. One administrator called me a “whiner” which was both cruel and untrue.

I would like very much to publish some quotes from this terrific collection but for reasons known only to software engineers I can’t cut and paste from the book. But I will. Congratulations to Christie Collins and Saul Lemerod. In the meantime here’s a YouTube Interview with Christie from the Mississippi State University Arts and Sciences folks:

https://youtu.be/Y_AiVPAiDuE?si=etX7JcGHMD3mIgVr

 

Once…

Once, I lit my shoe on fire in a fleabag hotel.

Once, I sailed alone through a thunderstorm. 

Once I rode an elevator with Melvin Laird, told him I loved his “war thing.” 

Once was sneezed on by an elephant. 

Once hit a Chinese bell with a coin when none of my sighted friends could do it.

Once had a soulful moment with a donkey in Galway.

Once I beat a French chess snob who overturned the board.

Once I held Enrico Caruso’s saddle shoes. 

To be continued…

Why I’m not on Substack

 

Let’s be clear. Substack ain’t friendly to the blind and all sorts of public intellectuals and literary types are on the platform. I won’t play. Substack is a heavily JavaScript-dependent, single-page-app-style platform, and historically, JS-heavy dynamic interfaces are exactly where screen readers run into trouble — things like comment threads, the “Notes” feed, and subscription/paywall interactions tend to be the weak points, more than the basic reading of a published post.

Here’s what that looks like in practice: comment threads that don’t announce new replies, a “Notes” feed that never stops refreshing, paywalls that just go silent mid-page.

I know I’m pissing in the wind. I know.

Yet there’s another issue with substack beyond accessibility that bothers me. Why do people believe the public should pay for their content? Especially in an age when groceries and healthcare are utterly unaffordable?

That’s it. I’m done, My blog is accessible and it’s free. I don’t have a tip jar. I do have a subscriber button. It’s free too.

 

Ain’t Giving Up on Happiness

In her excellent book “American Enlightenments” Caroline Winterer reminds us that 18th century Americans held a different view of happiness than the self-help individualized notion most people cling to today. She writes: 

“The happiness of humanity. Crèvecoeur’s words—and Thomas Jefferson’s far more famous ones in the Declaration of Independence, “Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness”—remind us that the pursuit of happiness was one of the principal quests of enlightened people. But happiness meant something different in the eighteenth century from its meaning today. In our era, an industry of self-help books reminds us that modern happiness is an emotional state of self-fulfillment and personal well-being. Eighteenth-century people would have been puzzled by our narrow definition. For them, happiness first of all had expansive, public meanings. People at that time often spoke of a happy people and a happy society. A society was happy when its people enjoyed the security, stability, and peace that allowed them to prosper. The purpose of government was to create public or social happiness by shielding the state from foreign enemies and internal threats. The opposite of public happiness was not sorrow but anarchy or tyranny. Educated leaders would be the architects of the good government that led to a happy society.”

It’s public happiness, stupid. Its knowing your neighbor can afford her groceries and medicine. 

The cos-playing small “p” president spends his nights sending vicious posts on his stupid social media platform. Public happiness is not his thing, to say the least.

I will never give in to the rage machine. Never. Even though I’m a disability activist who’s watching the new eugenics washing through the corridors of power like sea water in the movie Titanic. 

Halfway Up the Mountain

No one can describe the happiness of others. We’re like dogs barking at hieroglyphs when we talk about emotion. I’ve spent years studying poetry and I know its all a dream, this business of inter-personal connection and comprehension. I hardly know myself. About my life I recognize only a few bare details. I’ve a better chance calming the wind than understanding my life.

I take comfort from Winnie the Pooh: 

“Rabbit’s clever,” said Pooh thoughtfully.

“Yes,” said Piglet, “Rabbit’s clever.”

“And he has Brain.”

“Yes,” said Piglet, “Rabbit has Brain.”

There was a long silence.

“I suppose,” said Pooh, “that that’s why he never understands anything.” 

― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Ah, understanding! The state we never achieve except in small ways. 

What is to be done? A few years ago, in a state of both loneliness and wonderment I wrote a poem about Heraclitus, “the dark one” who understood that time is a game with string. Back then I owned a horse named Luigi with my wife. Luigi was a rescued “off the track thoroughbred” and as he aged he was quite soulful in the way of horses. I can’t explain it. He was, in my view an equine phenomenologist. He was the incitement for the poem as one evening when it was late in the autumn I caught him looking—gazing really—out the window of his stall. I was also thinking of the poet Robert Bly who was enormously kind and supportive of me when I was young and confused. 

This is the title poem from the book: 

“Old Horse, What Is to Be Done?”

—for Robert Bly

I also want to live tonight 

My pockets filled with ghost silver 

The real coins I spent long ago 

There are weeks, whole months

When I read only the ancients

I mean the dark one the river compulsive 

A man who made clocks from string…

Time is a game played beautifully by children

Lately this is all I can think of

When I was very small I lived by a meadow 

You loved me and I wasn’t confused

**

Its the small way we always must take. 

In a July 1965 letter to Tomas Transformer, Robert Bly, writing of his trip to Norway says something which is easy to overlook and yet remarkable:

Dear Tomas,

Here we are, in the old Heimat! old Bleie, whose stones have been stained by Bleie-feet for ten thousand years or so, is still here, supporting apples and cows and some taciturn Norwegians. We are in a magnificent camping place at Lofthus, with the Sørfjord under us, and those wonderful mountains with snow across the fjord. Every day or so I start plunging up the mountain, get halfway up, and then sit down in a sheep-shed for the rest of the morning.”

The remarkable thing is of course plunging up the mountain, getting halfway, and then sitting alone in a sheep shed. The overlooked thing is how skillfully Bly has left the wind out of this story since wind is always present above the fjords. It’s the excision of a constellating factor that marks his best poems and which pulses, unspoken as a source of incitements these poems. Because Bly’s popularity on the lecture circuit was a consequence of his opposition to the Viet Nam War and later, his insistent views on spiritualism and psychoanalysis took prominence one can forget his fidelity to the quiet and often snapped connections between things—what I’m here calling “the wind left out.”

“The wind left out” means nothing is innocent. The grass growing unevenly under apple trees turns the poet’s casual glance from a train window to thoughts of death and dying—it’s in effect Whitman’s grass:

“Passing an Orchard by Train”

Grass high under apple trees.

The bark of the trees rough and sexual,

The grass growing heavy and uneven.

We cannot bear disaster, like

The rocks—

Swaying nakedly

In open fields.

One slight bruise and we die!

I know no one on this train.

A man comes walking down the aisle.

I want to tell him

That I forgive him, that I want him

To forgive me.

This jump from grass “heavy and uneven” to proleptic disaster, to the inevitability of death is not spelled out. The grass is Whitman’s hieroglyphic, suggesting burials or natural graves. Either way the leap to solid rocks, the suggestion that humans sway nakedly, vulnerable, derives from a Whitmanic incitement: “And now it seems to me the beautiful uncut hair of graves.” This is what I mean when I say the wind left out is not innocent. That wind may come from allusions or it can arrive by way of subjective emotional candor—feeling bruised by thoughts of dying and alone on a train the poet wants to tell a stranger that he forgives him, a Christ-like moment of despair and tenderness which in normal society must be left out. There’s a hint of theodicy here: a vindication of God’s goodness made manifest by lovingkindness. Notice that Bly doesn’t say the words. One thinks of Thoreau’s observation: “There are many fine things which we cannot say if we have to shout.” Bly fine tunes this to suggest the things we cannot say without intuition.

The details in poems multiply of our perceptions. That each thing may or not be true emanates from the phenomenological imagination. 

In his Introduction to Phenomenology Robert Sokolowski notes that where phenomenology is concerned: “there are no ‘mere’ appearances, and nothing is ‘just’ an appearance. Appearances are real; they belong to being. Things do show up. Phenomenology allows us to recognize and to restore the world that seemed to have been lost when we were locked into our own internal world by philosophical confusions. Things that had been declared to be merely psychological are now found to be ontological, part of the being of things. Pictures, words, symbols, perceived objects, states of affairs, other minds, laws, and social conventions are all acknowledged as truly there, as sharing in being and as capable of appearing according to their own proper style.” 1 (p. 34) 

Ontology is oddly enough (mixing metaphors) a proper style; lyric findings are constituent parts of being. Proleptic imagination anticipates surprise, refuting commonplace assumptions about our surroundings as a leaden intelligence. This is “the imagination” hardened and yet buoyant, like the figurehead of a sailing ship. Arthur Schopenhauer wrote: “The world in which a man lives shapes itself chiefly by the way in which he looks at it, and so it proves different to different men; to one it is barren, dull, and superficial; to another rich, interesting, and full of meaning. On hearing of the interesting events which have happened in the course of a man’s experience, many people will wish that similar things had happened in their lives too, completely forgetting that they should be envious rather of the mental aptitude which lent those events the significance they possess when he describes them; to a man of genius they were interesting adventures; but to the dull perceptions of an ordinary individual they would have been stale, everyday occurrences. This is in the highest degree the case with many of Goethe’s and Byron’s poems, which are obviously founded upon actual facts; where it is open to a foolish reader to envy the poet because so many delightful things happened to him, instead of envying that mighty power of phantasy which was capable of turning a fairly common experience into something so great and beautiful.” 2 (p. 9)

Excerpt From: Arthur Schopenhauer. “The Essays of Arthur Schopenhauer.” iBooks. https://itun.es/us/CLZo6.l 

Proleptic conception is movement and aptitude. It assumes shapes by driving ahead. It is not, however, simply freedom in the service of pleasure—that Western idea of the self as a noble enjoyer of its surroundings or its body. The traditional Enlightenment “self” is a free acquirer of sights, objects, tastes, sounds, and is understood to be a discerning tourist, a Thomas Jefferson in Paris if you will. Speaking of the individual and his happiness Schopenhauer says: 

“We have already seen, in general, that what a man is contributes much more to his happiness than what he has, or how he is regarded by others. What a man is, and so what he has in his own person, is always the chief thing to consider; for his individuality accompanies him always and everywhere, and gives its color to all his experiences. In every kind of enjoyment, for instance, the pleasure depends principally upon the man himself. Every one admits this in regard to physical, and how much truer it is of intellectual, pleasure. When we use that English expression, “to enjoy one’s self,” we are employing a very striking and appropriate phrase; for observe—one says, not “he enjoys Paris,” but “he enjoys himself in Paris.” To a man possessed of an ill-conditioned individuality, all pleasure is like delicate wine in a mouth made bitter with gall. Therefore, in the blessings as well as in the ills of life, less depends upon what befalls us than upon the way in which it is met, that is, upon the kind and degree of our general susceptibility. What a man is and has in himself,—in a word personality, with all it entails, is the only immediate and direct factor in his happiness and welfare. All else is mediate and indirect, and its influence can be neutralized and frustrated; but the influence of personality never. This is why the envy which personal qualities excite is the most implacable of all,—as it is also the most carefully dissembled.” 3 (p. 24)

Excerpt From: Arthur Schopenhauer. “The Essays of Arthur Schopenhauer.” iBooks. https://itun.es/us/CLZo6.l

One can think of Bly in his most delicate perceptions as resisting ill conditioned individuality. “I am alone yet someone else is with me.” Such positions are both a matter of individuality and a directed intelligence precisely because we are aware of the incorporeality of symbolism—whether we’re talking of Georg Trakl, or Wallace Stevens—the former can write: 

I am a shadow far from darkening villages. 

I drank the silence of God

Out of the stream in the trees.

Stevens writes: 

Twenty men crossing a bridge,

Into a village,

Are twenty men crossing twenty bridges,

Into twenty villages,

Or one man

Crossing a single bridge into a village.

The world is (entirely) our acquaintanceship with shadows and unfixed forms. Hazarded imagining is nearly always providential. We find by indirection the particles of revery. 

One may say this is true of all lyric poetry but in the case of Bly the poetics is always a gamble—the discoveries are impossible to have imagined before the poem itself; there is no framing of the scene, no anticipation of vision, but a sequence of astonishments. He relays them back to the reader much in the way a shaman tells a story of something discovered beyond the physical world. This is Romanticism but Bly is closer to Thoreau than Keats. He owes more to Walden than to Wordsworth. Returning to Schopenhauer the wind left out is all that constitutes personality. Thoreau looking down at the bedrock of the pond sees a natural fact but understands something of his soul. Bly writes:

“SOME NOVEMBER PRIVACY POEMS”

I am comforted

by a crack in dry ground

nearly smoothed over with winter dust.

How marvelous to look out and see

the boulders

that have been gloomy since the earth began

now with a faint dusting of snow.

Mist: no one on the other shore.

It may be the trees I see have consciousness

and this desire to weep comes from them.

Most birds have gone south.

Grass heels over in the wind.

The feminine hooves of the horse

stand side by side as he eats.”

Excerpt From

Collected Poems

Robert Bly

This desire to weep is a moral concern. The ethical life, which is concerned with honoring and preserving living things is nearly indescribable. As Tomas Transtromer once wrote: 

I come too seldom down to the water. But I am here now,

Among large stones with peaceful backs.

Stones which slowly migrated backwards up out of the waves.

Who are we when we’re set against natural facts? We say we are here. And the poems say this means something. Thoreau: “Draw lines through the length & breadth of the aggregate of a man’s particular daily experiences and volumes of life into his coves and inlets—and where they intersect will be the height or depth of his character.”

One can add that intersection is where the wind is left out.

Accordion and Standing on My Head in the Rain

I am the guy who once played the accordion badly at a second rate social event. 

Once I stood on my head in the rain. I can’t do this anymore. But I think about it.

I have never really been able to write the full story of my childhood. It was a Jekyll and Hyde affair. I mean you can’t be bullied in school and abused by a drunken mother at home and not prefer being someone else. Mr. Hyde was the inside guy who hated being disabled. He still lurks. Reader’s note: he has bad breath.

To this day I talk to myself. My wife sees me, says, “what are you saying?” I shrug. How can I say? I’m reciting fragments the way some skip pebbles. It might be someone else’s words. Maybe Ezra Pound: “And the days are not full enough/And the nights are not full enough/And life slips by like a field mouse/Not shaking the grass”… Or sometimes it’s just me: “Trace the veins of a barberry leaf, that’s Braille enough…” Talking in sidelong darknesses of broken manners, when the day is insufficient, the minutes not feeding me… Up river go the words, the lonely words. Oh anything will do. Kropotkin I love you. I have excellent hands. How the kings of France loved tennis.

Tenderness

Last night, grinding my teeth in bed, I ran through a list of the current administration’s Folie imposée–it’s a long list and I won’t go over it. Sensible people know our government is on fire.

I thought then about tenderness. I thought about how to keep it, nurture it, share it.

Don’t get me wrong. Although I’m Episcopalian I don’t demand anything from others. Really.

So my soul, which has wings for the moment it leaves the cocoon, well, it requires care and feeding. One of the nutrients needed is tenderness–gentleness, kindness, affection for others, especially strangers.

I just bought a baseball cap which says “Be Kind” and I intend to wear it when teaching next week at Syracuse University.

“For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ … ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’”

–Matthew 25:35-40

You see, inside tenderness is more tenderness.

Notebook Soliloquy

Have you ever thought of your notebook as your best friend? That friend who doesn’t judge you.

In my head I’m sitting at Emily Dickinson’s north facing window. The page is mine.

I wonder what Emily Dickinson would have thought about jazz.

I wonder if, in heaven, Miles Davis and Emily are properly acquainted.

Meanwhile the north facing window overtakes the page.