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Off the Page: Notebooks of an Occasional Optimist (A Rededication)

For almost twenty years this space has been called “Planet of the Blind”—a nod to my first memoir and, for a long time, an accurate description of its subjects: blindness, accessibility, the struggles of opposing ableism. That work isn’t done — it never will be — but the blog has quietly outlived its name. Over the years I’ve used this space to write about disability rights, but also about history, horror films, wordplay, literary biography, and the jottings of other writers. Its time for the title to reflect the writing.

So: welcome to “Off the Page”

I’ve always been drawn to the notebook as a form. Years ago I co-edited (with poets David Weiss and Deborah Tall)  “The Poet’s Notebook” for W.W. Norton, a collection of the fast jottings, marginalia, and half-formed thoughts that poets keep before a poem exists. There’s something clarifying about the notebook— unpolished, occasional, closer to thinking out loud than to argument. This blog has always worked that way too, even when I didn’t say so. A post about accommodation law sits next to a post about Bela Lugosi which in turn sits next to a fragment from an actual notebook. That miscellany was never a flaw. It was the point.

As for “occasional optimist” — I chose the phrase carefully. More than thirty years of working on accessibility at universities, watching the gap between institutional assurance and grassroots reality, teaches you not to be naive. Optimism, for me, isn’t a temperament so much as a discipline — something closer to what Gramsci meant by pessimism of the intellect, optimism of the will. I don’t expect things to go well. I do the work anyway, and every so often — reading a poem, watching a student’s reading habits change, standing at a lectern in a room full of people who came out for disability poetry on a summer night in Washington — I catch myself feeling something like hope. Occasional is the right word. Earned, not constant.

So this is still the same notebook it always was: kept in the old commonplace tradition of writing things down because they mattered enough, that day, to write down. The title’s new. The habit of attention behind it isn’t.

Thank you for reading, then and now.

— Stephen Kuusisto

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Thank You Jeffrey Brown of PBS News Hour

Stephen Kuusisto to appear on PBS News Hour
Image: Logo of PBS News Hour

Tonight the PBS NewsHour will air a segment about my new book Have Dog, Will TravelThe piece features an interview with Jeffrey Brown whose reporting on literature and poetry is well known to book lovers across the nation. Jeffrey is also a poet whose first collection The News is available from Copper Canyon Press. In our time together we talked about poetry, civil rights, disability culture, dogs for the blind, the field of disability studies, and the power of literature to bring people together around social justice movements. And yes, there’s a lovely dog, Caitlyn, a sweetie pie yellow Labrador from Guiding Eyes for the Blind.

The program airs locally, in Syracuse at 7 PM. Check your local listings.

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Stephen Kuusisto and HarleyABOUT: Stephen Kuusisto is the author of the memoirs Have Dog, Will Travel; Planet of the Blind (a New York Times “Notable Book of the Year”); and Eavesdropping: A Memoir of Blindness and Listening and of the poetry collections Only Bread, Only Light and Letters to Borges. A graduate of the Iowa Writer’s Workshop and a Fulbright Scholar, he has taught at the University of Iowa, Hobart and William Smith Colleges, and Ohio State University. He currently teaches at Syracuse University where he holds a University Professorship in Disability Studies. He is a frequent speaker in the US and abroad. His website is StephenKuusisto.com.

Have Dog, Will Travel: A Poet’s Journey is now available:
Amazon
Prairie Lights
Grammercy Books
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound.org

Have Dog, Will Travel by Stephen Kuusisto

(Photo picturing the cover of Stephen Kuusisto’s new memoir “Have Dog, Will Travel” along with his former guide dogs Nira (top) and Corky, bottom.) Bottom photo by Marion Ettlinger 

Why I’m not on Substack

 

Let’s be clear. Substack ain’t friendly to the blind and all sorts of public intellectuals and literary types are on the platform. I won’t play. Substack is a heavily JavaScript-dependent, single-page-app-style platform, and historically, JS-heavy dynamic interfaces are exactly where screen readers run into trouble — things like comment threads, the “Notes” feed, and subscription/paywall interactions tend to be the weak points, more than the basic reading of a published post.

Here’s what that looks like in practice: comment threads that don’t announce new replies, a “Notes” feed that never stops refreshing, paywalls that just go silent mid-page.

I know I’m pissing in the wind. I know.

Yet there’s another issue with substack beyond accessibility that bothers me. Why do people believe the public should pay for their content? Especially in an age when groceries and healthcare are utterly unaffordable?

That’s it. I’m done, My blog is accessible and it’s free. I don’t have a tip jar. I do have a subscriber button. It’s free too.

 

Ain’t Giving Up on Happiness

In her excellent book “American Enlightenments” Caroline Winterer reminds us that 18th century Americans held a different view of happiness than the self-help individualized notion most people cling to today. She writes: 

“The happiness of humanity. Crèvecoeur’s words—and Thomas Jefferson’s far more famous ones in the Declaration of Independence, “Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness”—remind us that the pursuit of happiness was one of the principal quests of enlightened people. But happiness meant something different in the eighteenth century from its meaning today. In our era, an industry of self-help books reminds us that modern happiness is an emotional state of self-fulfillment and personal well-being. Eighteenth-century people would have been puzzled by our narrow definition. For them, happiness first of all had expansive, public meanings. People at that time often spoke of a happy people and a happy society. A society was happy when its people enjoyed the security, stability, and peace that allowed them to prosper. The purpose of government was to create public or social happiness by shielding the state from foreign enemies and internal threats. The opposite of public happiness was not sorrow but anarchy or tyranny. Educated leaders would be the architects of the good government that led to a happy society.”

It’s public happiness, stupid. Its knowing your neighbor can afford her groceries and medicine. 

The cos-playing small “p” president spends his nights sending vicious posts on his stupid social media platform. Public happiness is not his thing, to say the least.

I will never give in to the rage machine. Never. Even though I’m a disability activist who’s watching the new eugenics washing through the corridors of power like sea water in the movie Titanic. 

Halfway Up the Mountain

No one can describe the happiness of others. We’re like dogs barking at hieroglyphs when we talk about emotion. I’ve spent years studying poetry and I know its all a dream, this business of inter-personal connection and comprehension. I hardly know myself. About my life I recognize only a few bare details. I’ve a better chance calming the wind than understanding my life.

I take comfort from Winnie the Pooh: 

“Rabbit’s clever,” said Pooh thoughtfully.

“Yes,” said Piglet, “Rabbit’s clever.”

“And he has Brain.”

“Yes,” said Piglet, “Rabbit has Brain.”

There was a long silence.

“I suppose,” said Pooh, “that that’s why he never understands anything.” 

― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Ah, understanding! The state we never achieve except in small ways. 

What is to be done? A few years ago, in a state of both loneliness and wonderment I wrote a poem about Heraclitus, “the dark one” who understood that time is a game with string. Back then I owned a horse named Luigi with my wife. Luigi was a rescued “off the track thoroughbred” and as he aged he was quite soulful in the way of horses. I can’t explain it. He was, in my view an equine phenomenologist. He was the incitement for the poem as one evening when it was late in the autumn I caught him looking—gazing really—out the window of his stall. I was also thinking of the poet Robert Bly who was enormously kind and supportive of me when I was young and confused. 

This is the title poem from the book: 

“Old Horse, What Is to Be Done?”

—for Robert Bly

I also want to live tonight 

My pockets filled with ghost silver 

The real coins I spent long ago 

There are weeks, whole months

When I read only the ancients

I mean the dark one the river compulsive 

A man who made clocks from string…

Time is a game played beautifully by children

Lately this is all I can think of

When I was very small I lived by a meadow 

You loved me and I wasn’t confused

**

Its the small way we always must take. 

In a July 1965 letter to Tomas Transformer, Robert Bly, writing of his trip to Norway says something which is easy to overlook and yet remarkable:

Dear Tomas,

Here we are, in the old Heimat! old Bleie, whose stones have been stained by Bleie-feet for ten thousand years or so, is still here, supporting apples and cows and some taciturn Norwegians. We are in a magnificent camping place at Lofthus, with the Sørfjord under us, and those wonderful mountains with snow across the fjord. Every day or so I start plunging up the mountain, get halfway up, and then sit down in a sheep-shed for the rest of the morning.”

The remarkable thing is of course plunging up the mountain, getting halfway, and then sitting alone in a sheep shed. The overlooked thing is how skillfully Bly has left the wind out of this story since wind is always present above the fjords. It’s the excision of a constellating factor that marks his best poems and which pulses, unspoken as a source of incitements these poems. Because Bly’s popularity on the lecture circuit was a consequence of his opposition to the Viet Nam War and later, his insistent views on spiritualism and psychoanalysis took prominence one can forget his fidelity to the quiet and often snapped connections between things—what I’m here calling “the wind left out.”

“The wind left out” means nothing is innocent. The grass growing unevenly under apple trees turns the poet’s casual glance from a train window to thoughts of death and dying—it’s in effect Whitman’s grass:

“Passing an Orchard by Train”

Grass high under apple trees.

The bark of the trees rough and sexual,

The grass growing heavy and uneven.

We cannot bear disaster, like

The rocks—

Swaying nakedly

In open fields.

One slight bruise and we die!

I know no one on this train.

A man comes walking down the aisle.

I want to tell him

That I forgive him, that I want him

To forgive me.

This jump from grass “heavy and uneven” to proleptic disaster, to the inevitability of death is not spelled out. The grass is Whitman’s hieroglyphic, suggesting burials or natural graves. Either way the leap to solid rocks, the suggestion that humans sway nakedly, vulnerable, derives from a Whitmanic incitement: “And now it seems to me the beautiful uncut hair of graves.” This is what I mean when I say the wind left out is not innocent. That wind may come from allusions or it can arrive by way of subjective emotional candor—feeling bruised by thoughts of dying and alone on a train the poet wants to tell a stranger that he forgives him, a Christ-like moment of despair and tenderness which in normal society must be left out. There’s a hint of theodicy here: a vindication of God’s goodness made manifest by lovingkindness. Notice that Bly doesn’t say the words. One thinks of Thoreau’s observation: “There are many fine things which we cannot say if we have to shout.” Bly fine tunes this to suggest the things we cannot say without intuition.

The details in poems multiply of our perceptions. That each thing may or not be true emanates from the phenomenological imagination. 

In his Introduction to Phenomenology Robert Sokolowski notes that where phenomenology is concerned: “there are no ‘mere’ appearances, and nothing is ‘just’ an appearance. Appearances are real; they belong to being. Things do show up. Phenomenology allows us to recognize and to restore the world that seemed to have been lost when we were locked into our own internal world by philosophical confusions. Things that had been declared to be merely psychological are now found to be ontological, part of the being of things. Pictures, words, symbols, perceived objects, states of affairs, other minds, laws, and social conventions are all acknowledged as truly there, as sharing in being and as capable of appearing according to their own proper style.” 1 (p. 34) 

Ontology is oddly enough (mixing metaphors) a proper style; lyric findings are constituent parts of being. Proleptic imagination anticipates surprise, refuting commonplace assumptions about our surroundings as a leaden intelligence. This is “the imagination” hardened and yet buoyant, like the figurehead of a sailing ship. Arthur Schopenhauer wrote: “The world in which a man lives shapes itself chiefly by the way in which he looks at it, and so it proves different to different men; to one it is barren, dull, and superficial; to another rich, interesting, and full of meaning. On hearing of the interesting events which have happened in the course of a man’s experience, many people will wish that similar things had happened in their lives too, completely forgetting that they should be envious rather of the mental aptitude which lent those events the significance they possess when he describes them; to a man of genius they were interesting adventures; but to the dull perceptions of an ordinary individual they would have been stale, everyday occurrences. This is in the highest degree the case with many of Goethe’s and Byron’s poems, which are obviously founded upon actual facts; where it is open to a foolish reader to envy the poet because so many delightful things happened to him, instead of envying that mighty power of phantasy which was capable of turning a fairly common experience into something so great and beautiful.” 2 (p. 9)

Excerpt From: Arthur Schopenhauer. “The Essays of Arthur Schopenhauer.” iBooks. https://itun.es/us/CLZo6.l 

Proleptic conception is movement and aptitude. It assumes shapes by driving ahead. It is not, however, simply freedom in the service of pleasure—that Western idea of the self as a noble enjoyer of its surroundings or its body. The traditional Enlightenment “self” is a free acquirer of sights, objects, tastes, sounds, and is understood to be a discerning tourist, a Thomas Jefferson in Paris if you will. Speaking of the individual and his happiness Schopenhauer says: 

“We have already seen, in general, that what a man is contributes much more to his happiness than what he has, or how he is regarded by others. What a man is, and so what he has in his own person, is always the chief thing to consider; for his individuality accompanies him always and everywhere, and gives its color to all his experiences. In every kind of enjoyment, for instance, the pleasure depends principally upon the man himself. Every one admits this in regard to physical, and how much truer it is of intellectual, pleasure. When we use that English expression, “to enjoy one’s self,” we are employing a very striking and appropriate phrase; for observe—one says, not “he enjoys Paris,” but “he enjoys himself in Paris.” To a man possessed of an ill-conditioned individuality, all pleasure is like delicate wine in a mouth made bitter with gall. Therefore, in the blessings as well as in the ills of life, less depends upon what befalls us than upon the way in which it is met, that is, upon the kind and degree of our general susceptibility. What a man is and has in himself,—in a word personality, with all it entails, is the only immediate and direct factor in his happiness and welfare. All else is mediate and indirect, and its influence can be neutralized and frustrated; but the influence of personality never. This is why the envy which personal qualities excite is the most implacable of all,—as it is also the most carefully dissembled.” 3 (p. 24)

Excerpt From: Arthur Schopenhauer. “The Essays of Arthur Schopenhauer.” iBooks. https://itun.es/us/CLZo6.l

One can think of Bly in his most delicate perceptions as resisting ill conditioned individuality. “I am alone yet someone else is with me.” Such positions are both a matter of individuality and a directed intelligence precisely because we are aware of the incorporeality of symbolism—whether we’re talking of Georg Trakl, or Wallace Stevens—the former can write: 

I am a shadow far from darkening villages. 

I drank the silence of God

Out of the stream in the trees.

Stevens writes: 

Twenty men crossing a bridge,

Into a village,

Are twenty men crossing twenty bridges,

Into twenty villages,

Or one man

Crossing a single bridge into a village.

The world is (entirely) our acquaintanceship with shadows and unfixed forms. Hazarded imagining is nearly always providential. We find by indirection the particles of revery. 

One may say this is true of all lyric poetry but in the case of Bly the poetics is always a gamble—the discoveries are impossible to have imagined before the poem itself; there is no framing of the scene, no anticipation of vision, but a sequence of astonishments. He relays them back to the reader much in the way a shaman tells a story of something discovered beyond the physical world. This is Romanticism but Bly is closer to Thoreau than Keats. He owes more to Walden than to Wordsworth. Returning to Schopenhauer the wind left out is all that constitutes personality. Thoreau looking down at the bedrock of the pond sees a natural fact but understands something of his soul. Bly writes:

“SOME NOVEMBER PRIVACY POEMS”

I am comforted

by a crack in dry ground

nearly smoothed over with winter dust.

How marvelous to look out and see

the boulders

that have been gloomy since the earth began

now with a faint dusting of snow.

Mist: no one on the other shore.

It may be the trees I see have consciousness

and this desire to weep comes from them.

Most birds have gone south.

Grass heels over in the wind.

The feminine hooves of the horse

stand side by side as he eats.”

Excerpt From

Collected Poems

Robert Bly

This desire to weep is a moral concern. The ethical life, which is concerned with honoring and preserving living things is nearly indescribable. As Tomas Transtromer once wrote: 

I come too seldom down to the water. But I am here now,

Among large stones with peaceful backs.

Stones which slowly migrated backwards up out of the waves.

Who are we when we’re set against natural facts? We say we are here. And the poems say this means something. Thoreau: “Draw lines through the length & breadth of the aggregate of a man’s particular daily experiences and volumes of life into his coves and inlets—and where they intersect will be the height or depth of his character.”

One can add that intersection is where the wind is left out.

Accordion and Standing on My Head in the Rain

I am the guy who once played the accordion badly at a second rate social event. 

Once I stood on my head in the rain. I can’t do this anymore. But I think about it.

I have never really been able to write the full story of my childhood. It was a Jekyll and Hyde affair. I mean you can’t be bullied in school and abused by a drunken mother at home and not prefer being someone else. Mr. Hyde was the inside guy who hated being disabled. He still lurks. Reader’s note: he has bad breath.

To this day I talk to myself. My wife sees me, says, “what are you saying?” I shrug. How can I say? I’m reciting fragments the way some skip pebbles. It might be someone else’s words. Maybe Ezra Pound: “And the days are not full enough/And the nights are not full enough/And life slips by like a field mouse/Not shaking the grass”… Or sometimes it’s just me: “Trace the veins of a barberry leaf, that’s Braille enough…” Talking in sidelong darknesses of broken manners, when the day is insufficient, the minutes not feeding me… Up river go the words, the lonely words. Oh anything will do. Kropotkin I love you. I have excellent hands. How the kings of France loved tennis.

Tenderness

Last night, grinding my teeth in bed, I ran through a list of the current administration’s Folie imposée–it’s a long list and I won’t go over it. Sensible people know our government is on fire.

I thought then about tenderness. I thought about how to keep it, nurture it, share it.

Don’t get me wrong. Although I’m Episcopalian I don’t demand anything from others. Really.

So my soul, which has wings for the moment it leaves the cocoon, well, it requires care and feeding. One of the nutrients needed is tenderness–gentleness, kindness, affection for others, especially strangers.

I just bought a baseball cap which says “Be Kind” and I intend to wear it when teaching next week at Syracuse University.

“For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ … ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’”

–Matthew 25:35-40

You see, inside tenderness is more tenderness.

Notebook Soliloquy

Have you ever thought of your notebook as your best friend? That friend who doesn’t judge you.

In my head I’m sitting at Emily Dickinson’s north facing window. The page is mine.

I wonder what Emily Dickinson would have thought about jazz.

I wonder if, in heaven, Miles Davis and Emily are properly acquainted.

Meanwhile the north facing window overtakes the page.

Walking Around My Neighborhood Just Like in the Old Days

There’s a line in a Beatles song: “Oh that magic feeling, nowhere to go…” That’s how it was when I was a student years ago at the University of Iowa’s “Writers Workshop”–one could walk all day around Iowa City and there were no mobile phones. And in addition to this wonderful unplugged way of living, and owing to the fact I was a graduate student studying poetry writing, well, I could drink tea and read whatever I wanted and no one could find me for hours on end. Oh that magic feeling.

And so this morning, briefly, walking the neighborhood I felt that life. It came back to me like an old friend.

So I was having nostalgia for something proportionate to my need for living in imaginative sustenance. These lines by Emily Dickinson have long puzzled me:

“That Love is all there is,

  Is all we know of Love;

  It is enough, the freight should be

  Proportioned to the groove.”

The first two lines are an assertion and express a sentiment older than Plato. The second two lines create a problem as while we dimly understand love and accept this condition, now there’s a simile dressed as a metaphor, we carry our inexact knowledge of love like freight (which we assume is heavy) and further, that freight is proportioned to the groove by which she means a furrow—so there’s a plough in this figure, we press down with our limited knowledge of love into the field of life. But what about “proportioned”? She means, I think, that our thinking of love should be in accordance to the lives we’re “in” and not according to the lives of others. In the end the effect is lonely. Love confounds. Keep ploughing according to your own understanding. 

**

In his excellent book “Emily Dickinson and the Art of Belief” Robert Lundin writes: “Dickinson realized that belief is an art that demands trial and practice. A product of the romantic age and a prophet of modernity, she comprehended more fully than most people in her day how much the human mind contributes to the process of belief. Art, after all, is about the making of things; and in matters of belief, the history of the modern world is the story of our increasing awareness of the extent to which we participate in the making of truth as well as in the finding of it.”

Are making and finding connected to “proportionate”? Are truth and faith? One has to conclude that faith has material effects much as Spinoza told us—God is in the gravity and answers no prayers. God in the Spinozan sense is not concerned with you but is nature alone. Proportoniate means in this sense a man or woman corresponds exactly to something else. We are each responsible for the proportioned making of our places in the world. Faith, as Dickinson understood it, is material.    

 

On Finally Knowing You’re a Notebook Writer

And so you decide at last you’re a notebook jotter. It’s like finding at last you’re the inventor of scissors. 

As for who invented scissors he or she lived in what we call, quaintly, ancient Egypt. 

From Claude:

“The earliest known scissors were bronze, with two blades connected by a curved strip of metal that acted as a spring, holding the blades apart until pressed together.”

Picture the last scene of “Aida” where, instead of singing as the oxygen runs out, Radames and Aida wave spring loaded blades. 

The notebook…back to girders above the city.

Insert here: I enjoy Sheila Heti’s “Alphabetical Diaries” which have as their incitement, lines from her journals:

“Keep a list of all the people you need to speak to, and read the books you need to read. Keep good track of your receipts. Keep in mind that none of these projects will make you any money. Keep it in a container, and publish only what has reached the next stage of accomplishment. Keep the energies in your body and contain them. Keep the house clean and neat, love him, love family and friends. Keep this paragraph which will ruin the whole entire thing. Keep this paragraph, this ugly worm that will eat all the papers and destroy it. Keep your eye on the distant, distant justification for all this. Killing evil thoughts. Knew it would only last a day. Knocked out my tooth this morning and can’t find my gold coin. Know how to love a man by knowing how to love writing. Know there is always an alternative to the situation, even being very babyish and all alone.”

Knocked out my tooth this morning and can’t find my gold coin. How excellent!

Charles Simic:  “Brothers my teeth hurt/and I’ve no money/to have them fixed”. 

Keep this paragraph which can ruine the whole entire thing. 

I want you to understand me. I come from the region beyond the blurry pasture

The world is barbarous and filled with shadows

It’s proper to find a neutral spot where you can think about it.

It’s proper to picture scissors while sitting under a birch tree.

Keeping notebooks, that’s when no one owns you. 

Here’s to the anti-capitalist diary. 

Here’s to my mother’s laughter which, though she was a sad person, had a lovely wickedness. 

Meanwhile, I have been in more than one ossuary on my travels. Skulls lined up like nouns for school children.

Don’t look at me ironically with your post-modern peepers. 

The falling we will do ere long will be without end. 

On Being a Writer of Notebooks

And so you decide at last you’re a notebook jotter. It’s like finding at last you’re the inventor of scissors.

As for who invented scissors he or she lived in what we call, quaintly, ancient Egypt.

From Claude:

“The earliest known scissors were bronze, with two blades connected by a curved strip of metal that acted as a spring, holding the blades apart until pressed together.”

Picture the last scene of “Aida” where, instead of singing as the oxygen runs out, Radames and Aida wave spring loaded blades.

The notebook…back to girders above the city.

Insert here: I enjoy Sheila Heti’s “Alphabetical Diaries” which have as their incitement, lines from her journals:

“Keep a list of all the people you need to speak to, and read the books you need to read. Keep good track of your receipts. Keep in mind that none of these projects will make you any money. Keep it in a container, and publish only what has reached the next stage of accomplishment. Keep the energies in your body and contain them. Keep the house clean and neat, love him, love family and friends. Keep this paragraph which will ruin the whole entire thing. Keep this paragraph, this ugly worm that will eat all the papers and destroy it. Keep your eye on the distant, distant justification for all this. Killing evil thoughts. Knew it would only last a day. Knocked out my tooth this morning and can’t find my gold coin. Know how to love a man by knowing how to love writing. Know there is always an alternative to the situation, even being very babyish and all alone.”

Knocked out my tooth this morning and can’t find my gold coin. How excellent!

Charles Simic: “Brothers my teeth hurt/and I’ve no money/to have them fixed”.

Keep this paragraph which can ruine the whole entire thing.

I want you to understand me. I come from the region beyond the blurry pasture

The world is barbarous and filled with shadows

It’s proper to find a neutral spot where you can think about it.

It’s proper to picture scissors while sitting under a birch tree.

Keeping notebooks, that’s when no one owns you.

Here’s to the anti-capitalist diary.

Here’s to my mother’s laughter which, though she was a sad person, had a lovely wickedness.

Meanwhile, I have been in more than one ossuary on my travels. Skulls lined up like nouns for school children.

Don’t look at me ironically with your post-modern peepers.

The falling we will do ere long will be without end.

 

Bot Flies

I’ve spent the morning on the telephone with multiple businesses. They all use AI now having absented human beings from customer service. You’re instructed to ask a question and then the AI Bot employs a typing sound while it processes your question. I hate this. Instead of phony typing why not bad harmonica? Or a machine voice reciting every vice president of the United States?